I think i peed on brittanys purse
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
