our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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