Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize