I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
