Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
