Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
