with your own penis?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
