I like my sex mixed with concussions.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
