i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize