Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
