Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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