Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Dear god my vagina.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
