she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize