Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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