Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
