I cannot find my penis.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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