I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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