i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
