I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
