now i know why i became what i already was.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
