he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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