how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
