If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
