I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
