I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
