Having a random hookup so left but love u
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i dont even know how to be here
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
