bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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