he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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