every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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