It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
That was an excessively violent trivia night
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
