If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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