I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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