I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
