I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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