ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
