You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
