i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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