There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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