I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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