just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
