There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
