a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I wannas sexs uuuuu
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
