i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
