gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
