Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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