exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
