and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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