i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize