listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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