you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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