i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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