so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
