That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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