this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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