Just cropdusted the office
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
