Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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