3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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