I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
