he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
