i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
