I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
