I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
