I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
