ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
