last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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