my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
